Torofy Blog

Depression and Heart Disease

Carl – Pain turns to strength in the midst of tragedy.

At the hospital, it was a day like any other
day. We get in at 8:30 and we check out around
4:30. As I was checking out, ready to go home, I
literally had the time card right above the time clock ready to push it in and that call
came over the overhead. The code told us that we needed to sit tight. So, I went through a program called “Clinical
Pastoral Education” at Erlanger Hospital in 2016 August and 2017. In that program, it’s divided up into two
major sections. One section is actually being a clinical chaplain
on the floor. You serve the whole hospital and you do a
lot of on-calls, 24-hour shifts. You’re there ministering to folks in crisis. I shared just a little bit about my depressive
past with the program director and I was ashamed. But one of the things about Clinical Pastoral
Education is that you are going to have some issues to work through or else you don’t
go through the program. They know that there are some things that
you are going to work through and then you are going to use those as a resource for ministry. Well, I didn’t really buy into the fact
that I could ever use the pain that I had been through. You see, I lost a brother to suicide in 2010. My only brother. He was four years older than me. So growing up was two Irish boys in New York. We did everything together. When I lost him, to say it was devastating
was not even close to talking about the pain. So, that process of going through that was
so painful and to see that depression even within my family was so much so that my brother
took his life. It was so debilitating and so difficult that
it almost pretty much shut me down. I couldn’t really function like I should
be able to function. Two times I had to step out of work and take
a sabbatical. There were ministry spots, ministry positions. That was really devastating, really hard. Then something happened at the hospital. Nobody saw it coming. I was just about the clock out at four O’clock. We got this code that says; Nobody leave. All hands on deck. Clarify what’s happening before you go home. Sure enough, it was a bus crash in 2016 where
several beautiful lives of our beautiful Chattanooga kids were killed. Erlanger was the place where folks came. So, they said; “Pastor Caffrey, would you
escort this wonderful lady to the back of the emergency room?” As I escorted her and a couple of her family
members back we all knew, unfortunately, before we got there that she was one of those parents
of those six kids. So, as we walked back to that room and she
was afraid that she was, unfortunately, going to find her lifeless daughter. She began to break down on the way. As we got to the door and she turned her head
she looked and saw her lifeless, beautiful, bronze skin baby girl, (ten years old) who
had left for school like she did every day and this day she wouldn’t come home. So, I was the chaplain on that call. As she collapsed, as a chaplain you learn
there are no platitudes, nothing can placate the soul. Nothing can be said, no magic, you just hang
in and just be present. You pray that somehow you can foster and represent
the presence of Jesus in this horrific moment. I remember the strength that just welled up
in me. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to my heart and
said; “Carl, you’ve been through some things and what you have been through is not
a disqualification of ministry. What you have been through has empowered you
to be in moments like this and not want to bail. You’re strong and I have turned your pain
into a resource for ministry.” So, all of that humiliation. All of that sense of failure. Yes, I would never repeat if I could ever
help it, any of the pain that I went through or my beautiful children or my wife had to
go through because I went through it. I would never want to ever have to hold a
niece like I held my niece when she lost her dad that night. But I am so grateful that God has given me
strength and the heart to want to be there for folks. You know when you cut yourself and you address
that need and take care of it. It’s amazing how God has created the body
for that cut to heal. You may have a scar but it no longer draws
blood. It no longer causes pain because the body
has a unique power to heal itself. The body of Christ is called to come together
and to hear each others story. God says that we can not only be forgiven
but we can also find healing. I know that’s part of my not only recovery
but of my being whole and being well. I can say it is well with my soul.

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